I AM EMA, I AM GOING THROUGH HELL, I DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND PEOPLE: Seismic confession of a woman who has a borderline personality disorder

Ema is being treated in a psychiatric hospital "Sveti Ivan" in Zagreb, known as Jankomir from borderline personality disorder, the so-called. borderlinea

In Ema home there was always everything in abundance , well-off parents have allowed her to leisurely study and a career, but her life has turned into hell when she started suffering from borderline personality disorder.

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- I love her the most in the world - admits Ema from Zagreb, repetitively pulling her hand through the hair of a sleepy Maltese - She only gives me the true, "human" comfort. I often feel abandoned. 

She turned fifty, few years ago. She is being treated in a psychiatric hospital "Sveti Ivan" in Zagreb, known as Jankomir from borderline personality disorder, the so-called. borderlinea. Currently, She is currently in the program called "Sense and feelings" (RIO), in the local day hospital.

- People with borderline personality disorder (GPL) are continuously unstable. They have a dramatic and very sudden mood swings, impulsive are often overnight change their minds about the important people around them, one day someone is lovely, the other day they are horrible, ranging from adoration to hatred and they can be easily disappointed and hurt. This enhances their impulsiveness and an inability filing frustration really bothers them to function well in life.They go through life like a storm - says Dr. Majda Grah.

Maltese gathered into a ball of fur in the corner of the couch and Ema starts her confession.

- Mom and dad had careers, and there was everything in our house. Even too much. I never missed anything - besides their understanding, their genuine interest in me. Sister and I went skying, we had brand clothes, we went to language schools, but i never had their love and attention, not at least the amount in needed. I was on college and they both retired. I was out of my nerves that they were home all the time. Father pretty dark, in his own world. Mother was not so specially talkative, she did what she had to do, but how i really felt, she did not especially care. I would say they were correct but pretty distant parents. Until i was 15. Then a family friend tried to take advantage of me. First i had doubts should i tell my parents or not. When i finally told them, their reaction hurt me as much as what that man did to me. They said that man was unstable, and that i provoked that by my behavior - said Ema.

Since then she had no trust in her parents.

- Their declarative Catholicism went on my nerves, their pointing to morals, that declarative mercy and love that religion asks for and essential selfishness i saw in my parents. I relatively often changed boyfriends. I do not think I was particularly promiscuous, but my mom told not to "whore around" to embarrass them, to take care that some neighbor doesn't see me with some new boyfriend if then know the current one is still around. And i would fall in love with each and everyone of them, i was charmed, like under a spell. Then he would hurt me. I am easily hurt - it is enough if he went with friends out that night instead of me to the movies, or if he did not show up to my birthday first thing in the morning to congratulate me - said Ema.

The first depression hit her after her graduation.

- For days I did not get up from bed. I did not take a shower, i had cigarettes for breakfast and cognac for lunch. At the end i ended up hospitalized in Jakomir.

She took everything very dramatically.

- And as i was mindlessly in love and hitting the stars, i would be after so tremendously disappointed and hurt and i would brake up immediately. It was the same in relationships with friends. My motto was: "Either you are 100 percent with me or you're not with me." As soon as something bothered me, this new friend, which I thought was trustworthy, loyal, empathetic, became an abomination to me. I would stop the friendship fast. 

Dr. Grah emphasizes that  the so-called GPL. accompanies splitting or rupture in the perception of the world and other people.

- They idolize someone quickly, and they quickly devalorize them. These are people who have experienced severe pain due to rejection or separation through a life and they now perceive possibility of rejection as a major threat. Desperately trying to avoid the abandonment of other people, whether it is real or, more often, just thoughtful. Therefore, they have problems in emotional ties, their relations are very unstable. Often they themselves roughly reject the friend or partner, all out of fear that the other would later reject them - explains Grah.

Ema is retired. She retired too soon and now she regrets not going to more intense treatment and remained working.

- For years I had problems at work. I could not bring myself to come in time. I could not agree to various rules that have prevailed in the office and that others accepted. I slept a lot. To forget. It was easier for not knowing for myself.

- They found it strange that we had to start our daily therapy in 9 AM in the daily hospital if we could start in 9:15, or why can't we work it out to stay after 11 PM in the department where people are hospitalized on the balcony to smoke if they can't sleep. We can't because that would mean people going out of their rooms, walking all night and waking others up, disturbing peace. But they would ask anyway, they will try to change that because they want to move boundaries. It is easy to imagine that a person with GLP  would have difficulties on work if they try to move some boundaries. If they have a boss who is emphatic, who can see through the man what he really is, and not only how he functions externally, that kind of employer will accept them and conclude: "They do a good job, and it's not a problem that they are a bit "difficult"", so they will let them stay and continue working. But, not many are in that luck - explains Grah.

Ema said that going to group therapy really helped her.

- In group therapy, I realized, more by listening to others rather than talking about myself, because in lots of fragments of their lives, i recognized my life, my emotions, my hurting... I realized i was searching for love of my parents that they did not give me, or they did not give me in the way i wanted. In the group i have a sense of community, finally in my life i have people and place where i can openly speak about myself, and to feel accepted. I quickly saw that all those situations don't happen only to me, that there are many other people with similar or the same problem - Ema points out.

- I watch in the group people that hurt themselves intentionally. I used to hurt myself, but in a different way, i intentionally passed life chances. When i was supposed to become a head of the department in one company, i released a story that i was an alcoholic, and i would smell like cognac after the break. When a friend called me to be her godmother, i was honored, touched, and the next day i got into fight with her. There were situations when i went intentionally against myself. Now i know, that it was all the means to get attention to myself. Its hard to live thinking you are not worth enough, that you are not good enough. She thinks i am good enough and she wants me to be her godmother, and i don't believe that and i intentionally destroy our friendship...

People with GPL often have a need for self-harm, mainly by cutting the body, inflicting physical pain.

- They hurt them selves because they feel relief in that specific moment. They feel easier because in a moment, that physical pain is greater than the psychological pain and the fear of rejection that bothers them. Those people often have the feeling of inner emptiness, all of that is actually a defense mechanism from real feelings than real possibility that the man on the inside is really so empty. They are not empty they started hating emotions so they think nothing is left in there - explains Grah.

Can GPL be cured?

- Patients through their treatment start functioning more and more mature. With years of working and treatment, a man gets some experience, makes better judgments, knows its good not to expose himself into some situations, and all of that makes a more mature personality. But the true healing, meaning that there are no more emotional situations which can destroy the personality, can only be achieved with a long-term, many years of treatment, by psychotherapy, and if needed, with pharmacotherapy - said Grah.

(Telegraf.co.uk / source: jutarnji.hr)